July 2011
4 posts
the funny thing is, this time around, i don’t hate myself. i don’t hate life, i’m not angry or resentful, i don’t want to hurt anyone, not even myself.
before, i wanted to be sick. i yearned for it. i wanted to be taken care of, i wanted to stop time. i wanted a reason to rest.
this time, i just want to be skinny and proud. power power power. that’s all i want.
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i hate this. i’m eating so much. it doesn’t matter if i purge because in the end, i’m still eating.
i’m glad the purges hurt. they should hurt, i deserve it.
i’m about 103 right now. 2 weeks ago i was 110.
i ate half a peach. purged it. told myself not to eat, then ate a saltine. bent over immediately and purged.
then an egg souffle (140 cal). purged less than half. it just wouldn’t come up. swore at myself all the while. why the fuck did i eat that?
but i wasn’t done. a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter. purged as much of it as i...
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back again.
i promised myself i wouldn’t be doing this anymore. but whatever. anyhow, i’m starting a fast tomorrow and would love to have a fasting buddy to text!! i live in the US, btw.
if you’re interested, just drop a note in my ask. :]
November 2010
15 posts
it’s so very many things. but if i simplified it, there you have it.
a protest.
it's a protest
against growing up.
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aw fuck this is so dumb. i need to get a job. i need to move out. i need to lose 5 pounds before thanksgiving. and i need to lose about 20 pounds overall.
i can’t believe i worry so much about these things! there are so many more important things to care about.
i feel so dumb. ugh. i feel too old to be ~angsting~ so much all the time.
SORRY I’M BEING A WHINY BITCH TODAY. :/
there’s really no excuse. it’s not so hard to reinvent yourself.
i know i can change things. i know i can be happy.
if only i’d try just a bit harder.
i wish, above all, that i were brave. then i wouldn’t need anything.
fuck
19.6 pounds to go… can i do this?
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today is just one of those bad days, i guess… hopefully i’ll feel better in a couple hours.
today: a bruise and a cut, tomorrow: a fast.
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October 2010
219 posts
why do i want to die at night? i want to strip away this hated flesh. i wish i never had to sleep.
i will do it like this: -veggies and fruits -tofu and/or beans -tea (w/o sugar) -chicken/veggie broth -cheese once a week? -vitamins always that’s it i guess? ugh idk. stop breaking promises dammit.
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ah, i’m dumb and panic too easily. i already feel a bit better. i am NOT going to fast for 2 weeks. i don’t really know what i’m doing, honestly. i still want to be 100 by christmas, but i should stop thinking of this as punishing myself. which is what i used to do before, and that always made it worse.
i’m different now. i’m not afraid to think i deserve things (i...
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mother’s birthday dinner tomorrow. after that last meal, i am fasting for 2 weeks.
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“Flesh is heretic.
My body is a witch.
I am burning it.
Yes I am torching...”
– i am taking this poem entirely out of context. i’ve even cut half of it out. i’m sure the author would despair at the twisting of her words and intent. but this is what it means to me. this is what strikes through to my core. i understand only this much.
it’s come back, the anger and hatred. i want to punish myself for my wrongs.
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A Night in Brooklyn
We undid a button, turned out the light, and in that narrow bed we built the great city- water towers, cisterns, hot asphalt roofs, parks, septic tanks, arterial roads, Canarsie, the intricate channels, the seacoast, underwater mountains, bluff, islands, the next continent, using only the palms of our hands and the tips of our tongues, next we made darkness itself, by then it was time for dawn...
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i bought a really cute bra/pantie set the other day. sort of as an incentive, and also bc i love cute underwear. picture forthcoming! in like two seconds!
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i wish i had a cute baby face…
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progress blog!
kerosene-eyes.tumblr.com
my photos were on private before, but not anymore! and from now on, every time i reach a goal weight, i’ll take pics.
if you’re not anon and you ask, i’ll give you the password. oh and if you have a prog blog, tell me about it, k? :]
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i’ve decided to go with 400 for today. ease back into things. :]
today's plan
400 meal plan lunch: 1 whole grain toast- 80 cal 1 cup chicken broth- 24 cal 1 cheese cube- 35 cal 16 cherry tomatoes- 65 cal
dinner: soft/silken tofu- 100 cal spinach salad- 20 cal 1 med fuji apple- 80 cal
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200 meal plan lunch: 1 whole grain toast- 80 cal 1 cup chicken broth- 24 cal
dinner:...
Day 1
technically starts today, since it’s past midnight. 400 max today. or maybe 200 max? undecided.
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