the funny thing is, this time around, i don’t hate myself.
i don’t hate life, i’m not angry or resentful,
i don’t want to hurt anyone, not even myself.

before, i wanted to be sick. i yearned for it.
i wanted to be taken care of, i wanted to stop time.
i wanted a reason to rest.

this time, i just want to be skinny and proud.
power power power. that’s all i want.

maybe i want an identity.

no- lies, all lies.
i’m running ‘cause i’m scared, tail between my legs.
i’m giving up.

it doesn’t matter anyhow. who needs the reasons?
not me. doesn’t matter. doesn’t matter.

i hate this. i’m eating so much.
it doesn’t matter if i purge because in the end, i’m still eating. 

i’m glad the purges hurt.
they should hurt, i deserve it.

i’m about 103 right now.
2 weeks ago i was 110.

i ate half a peach. purged it. 
told myself not to eat, then ate a saltine.
bent over immediately and purged.

then an egg souffle (140 cal). purged less than half.
it just wouldn’t come up.
swore at myself all the while.
why the fuck did i eat that?

but i wasn’t done.
a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter.
purged as much of it as i could.
but it’s fucking impossible to purge peanut butter.
sticks.

what the fuck am i doing?
i need to stop eating.
it’s impossible to eat without purging.

don’t eat.

i promised myself i wouldn’t be doing this anymore. but whatever.
anyhow, i’m starting a fast tomorrow and would love to have a fasting buddy to text!!
i live in the US, btw.

if you’re interested, just drop a note in my ask. :]

it’s so very many things.
but if i simplified it,
there you have it.

a protest.

against growing up.

aw fuck this is so dumb.
i need to get a job.
i need to move out.
i need to lose 5 pounds before thanksgiving.
and i need to lose about 20 pounds overall.

i can’t believe i worry so much about these things! 
there are so many more important things to care about.

i feel so dumb. ugh.
i feel too old to be ~angsting~ so much all the time.

SORRY I’M BEING A WHINY BITCH TODAY. :/

there’s really no excuse.
it’s not so hard to reinvent yourself.

i know i can change things.
i know i can be happy.

if only i’d try just a bit harder.